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November 17, 2009
I cannot believe it's two days shy of your second birthday. I cried today... I cry pretty much every day. I miss you so much and I wonder what you would look like, what things you would enjoy, if you would have hair long enough for those pig tails I was so excited to put in your hair with pretty ribbons and bows. All questions I will never get to answer. I miss you beyond words, there is no expression that conveys the emptiness my heart feels right now.
Dad and Bubbe sent you your birthday present today, a beautiful pink bear. I know you would love it if you were here. The card inside was addressed to Daddy and I, it said "We Remember". I cried. I know your passing affected more than just me and the list of those who misses you is endless.
I find strength in knowing that you touched the lives of so many people and made them realize just how precious life is.
Did you hear your brother’s the other night when they went outside and said goodnight to you? They still struggle with your passing and don’t understand why you had to go. I try to tell them that it's because God needed you more, but they don't understand. Jace drew a picture of you the other day; you had wings and a halo. Tyler watches your video every chance he gets because he's afraid he's going to forget you. I tell him that will never happen but at eight he doesn't understand that. Watching the video makes him feel closer to you and who am I to tell him now, especially since I watch it for the same reason.
I love and miss you baby girl.
Forever and Always.
Love,
Your Mommy
August 24, 2009 Update
Since February 2008 Dave and I have been trying to get pregnant but, unfortunately, it just doesn't seem to be happening. We knew with the sever blockage of my ovaries that it would take a miracle; I'm glad we can say were still hoping for one, but it just doesn’t seem like it's written in the stars for us.
SOOOO on to plan B- IVF. Dave and I have decided that we're going for it! To say I'm excited is putting it mildly! I can even pin point the exact moment I realized for sure that, yes, we want to have another and no, I do not care how many years apart the kids will be or that I'm resetting myself. I was looking at a magazine today from the Navy Base Exchange that contained a beautiful collection of Fisher Price baby items called the "Zen Collection" (http://www.fisher-price.com/fp.aspx?st=2000&e=zen). Weird, maybe, but instantly I knew that I wanted everything that came along with the responsibility buying these items entailed and that, I can put excuses in one hand and (for the lack of better words) crap in the other and see which ones fills up faster.
I want another baby and I'm willing to face my fears and concerns head on because I know we have done everything we can on our end to test ourselves medically; to assure us that it was nothing genetically we did that caused the death of our daughter.
So now we are in full IVF prep mode. We are figuring numbers, checking flight costs, scoping out hotel room costs, and moving into the first stages of making this a reality! Are you ready? We sure hope so! Were SO beyond ready to welcome into this world a new little being of Dave and I by the end of next year. I guess all we can do is sit back and see what happens!
August 26, 2008 Update
We have scheduled an appointment with my OB for September 10th, 2008 so that we can get ourselves onto the waiting list for IVF treatment. We are scarred, nervous, excited-- you get my drift. We spoke with my OB previously in December and were told the wait list for IVF is 1 to 1 1/2 years long. Because we have already been through some of the procedures (the reversel, HSG tests, etc) our wait might not be as long as we were told because some of the checklist we need to follow has already been completed. Only time will tell I guess!
The IVF procedure will cost us $4300 (and that does not include additional expenses related to the IVF or the over all travel expenses) and is not covered by Tricare but because we are military we get a discounted cost. There are several military locations that offer the service at the discounted rate but the locations we can get it done at that interest us the most due to either proximity to us or proximity to family are: 1- Tripler Army Medical Center in Hawaii, 2- Balboa Medical Center in San Diego, CA and 3- Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington, D.C. Of the three we think the best location for us to get the procedure done is at Walter Reed because we would have family there to support us, stay with, we wouldn't need a car because they have the metro, etc.
September 11, 2008 Update
OK So Dave and I met with Dr. B yesterday and did some blood work and set up an ultrasound with radiology. We both had blood draws and I had to have my yearly PAP; this will all be put into our IVF paperwork and the last thing we need is for me to have a blood draw on the third day after my cycle starts as well as on the 21st day. These two tests will help the doctors recognize when I'm ovulating, how many egss are within my ovulation cycle, etc. In regards to doing the IVF we have to be at the center on the 3rd day after my cycle starts so that we can start the hormone injections prcess and the evaluation period starts that day. We have talked in depth on when we would like o do the IVF process and are looking at doing it June 2009 for various reasons. Right now it's all a waiting game though since the waitlist is a year to 2 years long.
September 26, 2008 Update
I had the ultrasound today and it was uneventful. I didn't drink enough water at the correct time so by the time they went to do the ultrasound my bladder was not full enough. Because it was not full enough the tech said I could go wait 20-30 minutes in the waiting room and I just asked if the internal ultrasound was an option, of which it was. SOOOOOO now Im told to go let my bladder out (after Ive drank 46 ounces of water) and upon going... I get a few dribbles! So I head back to the ultrasound table, hop up, and away we go! Did you know that they can tell when your about to start your menses? Anyway it was a fast process of which during my bladder got nice and full (go figure) and I was in and out in 25 minutes. I like the arrive, short wait room visit, process and out the door appointments!
October 9, 2008 Update
OK so I still have not got my period, that ultrasound tech has obviously lost his mind! It's a bit frustrating because I need my period to come so I can go do the 3 day blood draw! And NO according to the pregnancy test this morning I am NOT pregnant! My body just hates me! WOW I used a lot of exclamation points in those few periods. ANYWAY Aubrey's year angelversary is quickly approaching, I've started feeling anxious towards it already, keep us in your thoughts and prayers as time winds down.
October 10, 2008 Update
FINALLY! I got my period after it was 2 weeks late! Unfortunatly getting it tonight screws my blood draws up though. Monday would be my third day after the start of my menses but because of Columbus Day the medical clinic is closed so I have to go on Tuesday instead. You win some, you lose some... but why does it always seem like Im losing more then Im winning anymore? Don't get me wrong, I know Im blessed in many ways with a loving husband, two wonderful sons, family that supports me like a pilar of strength and friends who are always there no matter when... but I sure could use a break sometime soon with all the badluck that's hit within the last year. Maybe 2009 will be my year and all of the bad luck is getting out of the way for the new year?!?! I sure hope so!
October 14, 2008 Update
Went and had my blood draw today, it was quick and painless! Next piece of the puzzle is my 21 day draw (which needs to be done on Halloween) and then all of the paperwork will be complete for the waitlist and all we will need from there are the results to come back so they can send it out. Keep your fingers crossed for us!
October 31, 2008 Update
Happy Halloween! I went today and had my 21 day blood draw and I'm anxious for the results to get back so we can get on the waitlist. Even though we are looking into going to Japan for the procedure we at least want to keep the military locations an optione just in case going to Japan doesn't work out.
